I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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