If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
PANTIES FOUND
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
