if i can run in heels then i can drive
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
