Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
