Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I'm passing your future prison.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
