Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Randomize
