I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
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