Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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