WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
