my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
