Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Randomize
