I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
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