So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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