I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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