I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
