FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
