Old men and throwing up are my life now.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
