is your mom at the bar?
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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