She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
