yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
