google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
