so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
