I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
