She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
