chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Randomize
