I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
