did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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