my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Randomize
