I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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