In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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