Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
