i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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