whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
this boner is exhausting
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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