i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
