Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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