I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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