You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
