Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
