So gin and wine won't be happening again
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
