I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
