I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Randomize
