I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
