and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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