im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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