Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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