So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
