woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
