Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
