the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
