i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
